Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
