I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
