you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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