mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize