Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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