Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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