i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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