When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
