My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
