Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
