Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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