she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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