I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
