If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
