I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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