i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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