I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
