dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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