dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
