We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
