I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
