if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize