our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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