eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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