Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
