So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
