I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
