planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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