so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
