There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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