I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
