The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
