I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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