broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
