Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's rum buckets o'clock
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
