at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
