summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
