your parents love me but you hate me
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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