so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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