cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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