We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize