I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
