we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
