I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
