this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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