wrigley field is MILF paradise
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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