It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize