I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
