I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We just shotgunned beers for America
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
