hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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