u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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