My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
