He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
