textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
