Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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