there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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