So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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