I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You've changed since you got that strap on
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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