My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
