then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
