cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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