he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
